Happiness ( and Change ) Begins with Acceptance

[Russell Cox]

As a place to begin with our blog each of the Insight Lifecoaches will be posting our thoughts and ideas on this topic :

Happiness ( and Change ) Begins with Acceptance
See also 2, 3

This is a very common theme in coaching but you will find that each of us has a very different take on how we approach this idea and how we use it to help our clients.

For me leaning to accept who you are and where you are right now and to come to see that as a solid achievement in your life is the first step to change and growth.

The first thing to notice is that if you come from a place where you see yourself as bad or lazy and your accomplishments as not good enough or substandard then change and growth is very hard.

If on the other hand, you accept yourself as simply being you and our accomplishments ( big or small, good or bad ) as simply being the steps that were needed to get you to this point. And, now that you are here, reading this blog, asking these questions, change and growth are inevitable.

So, whether you are an entrepreneur trying to start a multi-million dollar project or a stay at home mom trying to adjust to this new life, finding happiness and unlocking change begins with accepting yourself for who you are and acknowledging your accomplishments for what they are : The steps needed to bring you to this point and from this point anything is possible.

From this place of calm acceptance growth and change become natural and inevitable.

Much More to come from me and the other coaches at Insight LifeCoach Partnership.

Thanks
Russell Cox - Entrepreneurial Coach
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[David Lim]

What is so important about acceptance? Why is acceptance so important in the business of change? Well, first, most people eventually get to the point where they realize that something is missing or something hasn't been working, and somehow things have to change.

Here is why acceptance of "who I am," is critical.

If I accept myself for who I am, I must first examine two sets of information or perceptions I carry when it comes to perceived flaws and weaknesses:

1) "Acceptably Flawed" perceptions of myself
2) "Unacceptably Flawed" perceptions of myself

What is an "Acceptably Flawed" piece of information? Ever hear someone attempt to be humble by saying something like, "Oh, sure, I know I am not perfect, I could manage my time better, I know I could be more patient, and I know I don't have all the answers."

I continually do this. When a situation calls for me to be honest about myself and I have to verbalize it or face it --- either before others or even before myself ... I continually catch myself going into this line of thinking, "what can I say that will be both a negative, but won't show a true negative and will sound like a humble positive?"

Now we have all done this at a job interview. That's expected. Hiring managers really don't want to know about your flaws, only if your flaws are not so flawed.

But how often do we do this when confronted by our spouses, family members, closest friends? Or when a person actually confronts himself?

Politicians do this all the time. When they finally have no choice but to confess to some public misdeed, you will hear them say, "I showed poor judgement," "I let my community and family down."

What is an "Unacceptably Flawed" piece of information or self-perception? Well, take the previous example of the politician. I don't think you'll ever hear one say the following - which would be an example of an "unacceptably flawed" piece of information:

"I am essentially a self-loathing individual that has low self-value and poor ability to cope with disappointment and rejection ... and because of my own experience of being abused sexually, I will use drugs and sex to give me temporary moments of pleasure and relief from my own primitive reaction to anxiety ... and as payback for that which happened to me when I was a child. I've been doing this for so long that I am now addicted and I have not been able to stop and I have felt too embarassed and ashamed to even attempt to stop."

"Self loathing," "shame," "embarassed," "addicted," "primitive," these are terms that we either have in our consciousness or have suppressed into our subconsciousness ... because we create perceptions of ourselves that have been told to us or we create perceptions that helped us explain why bad things were happening to us. Then we become afraid of these perceptions. AND if we face it, we face our own worst perceived fears: "I am a monster," "I am unlovable," "I am fat and ugly," " I am stupid and incompetent."

It's interesting ... we create most of these perceptions, then we learn to fear what we create!

So if I practice what I preach, then I can safely say that for me, two of my self-perception battles have been with "I am stupid/incompetent," and "I am unlovable."

In general, people are petrified of saying, "You know, my worst fear is that I am stupid, incompetent and unlovable." People are understandably ashamed to admit their own shame!

So what might be my internal voice saying? "Gosh, I can't admit that I have had these perceptions and sometimes they still creep up!!! After all, how would people perceive me as a coach and change leader, one who tells people to embrace love ... if my self-perception is stupid, incompetent, unlovable? I can't admit that, it will undermine my credibility, so I better shift into more acceptable flaws!"I better shift into more acceptable flaws!"

Ever try to come up with a different way of doing something or a solution to a problem or isse you were ashamed to admit you have? Not easy, is it? In fact, it is impossible. You can't solve a problem by shaming it and you can't come up with a solution to something you are ashamed of.

To change into happiness, to be more happy, to transform towards happiness ... ultimately, requires people FIRST to turn both sets of perceptions as "acceptable." This makes the work of recognizing there perceptions are false.

What does that sound like? To make self-perceptions or information as "acceptable." It sounds like this:

"I accept the perception I have of myself which is fat, lazy, stupid, unlovable, inferior, etc. I accept that it is a perception. Just a perception. I do not fear it, I do not shame it, I am not embarassed by it."

OR "I accept the fact that I use drugs, alcohol, sex, as a way to cope with stress and disappointment. I do not feat this fact, I do not shame this fact, I am not embarassed by it."

When people are able to honesty see all parts of themselves as acceptable. THEN they can go about the business of change ... by seeing any part of oneself as "unacceptable," makes the business of change and happiness roadblocked by shame, blame, ego, denail, need to be right (all opposites of acceptance).

One final note on self-acceptance: If I don't accept myself, my flaws, my fears, my weaknesses as well as my beauty, grace, creativity, kindness as ALL acceptable," and continue to view my false perceptions as unacceptable. Thos false perceptions won't leave and will be impervious to change.

Then the way I view myself and consequently the way I view others, and each external situation, as well as the world me becomes tainted by my "unacceptable perceptions."

Consequently, I am not able to see how my actions are actually impacting the behaviors of others, the situation of others, the results of others. In fact, I will become too focused on the behavior of others, the situation of others, the results of others.

Hence, I continually will expect others to change. I will not see myself as needing to change. I will continue to blame others. And I will continue to use denial, shame, guilt, "I'm always right," thinking. I will continue to create assumptions and false perceptions of my co-worker, my husband, my wife, my children, my friends, my bosses. My dreams and visions will be more difficult to attain. And my demons and addictions will be more difficult to give up.

This doesn't sound like happiness to me.