Acceptance: Key To Happiness AND In The Business of Change

[David Lim]

Why is acceptance so important for people to be happy? Why is it absolutely critical in the business of change?

I guess to try to answer the question, I need to ask another question: How many times have we said, "my life isn't working" or "something has to change" or "I'm just not happy?"

Probably a few times. And then we set out with determination to change ... change something, change anything - wardrobe, car, job, partner or spouse. And soon we are back to where we started from.

Here is why "acceptance" is absolutely critical.

First, there are two sets of perception when it comes to perceived flaws and weaknesses.

1) "Acceptably Flawed" perceptions of myself
2) "Unacceptably Flawed" perceptions of myself

What Is An "Acceptably Flawed" Self-Perception?
When it comes to admitting flaws, ever hear something like this, "Oh, sure, I know I am not perfect, I could manage my time better, I know I could be more patient, and I know I don't have all the answers."

When a situation calls for me to be honest about myself and I have to verbalize it or face it ... I continually catch myself going into this line of thinking, "what can I say that will be both a negative, but won't show a true negative and will sound like a humble positive?"

Of course we have done this at job interviews. That's expected. Hiring managers really don't want to know about your flaws - only if your flaws are not so flawed.

Politicians do this all the time. When their time has run out and they have no choice but to confess some misdeed, inevitably, we will get the "acceptably flawed," response: "I showed poor judgement," or "I let the community and my family down," or "... for a brief moment, I did not take the responsibilities of my job with the respect it deserves."

What is an "Unacceptably Flawed" Perception? Well, take the previous example of the politician. I don't think you'll ever hear one say the following:

"I am essentially a self-loathing individual that has low self-value and poor ability to cope with disappointment and rejection ... I will use drugs and sex to give me temporary moments of pleasure and relief from my own primitive reaction to anxiety ... and as payback for that which happened to me when I was a child. I've been doing this for so long that I am now addicted and I have not been able to stop and I have felt too embarassed and ashamed to even attempt to stop."

"Self loathing," "shame," "embarassed," "addicted," "primitive," these are terms that we either have in our consciousness or have suppressed into our subconsciousness. We've created percpetions that have been told to us OR we created perceptions to explain why bad things were happening to us.

But eventually, we become afraid of the perceptions we have created about ourselves. So we avoid facing them ... "I am a monster," "I am unlovable," "I am fat and ugly," " I am stupid and incompetent."

So if I practice what I preach, then I share with you that two of my self-perception battles have been with "I am stupid/incompetent," and "I am unlovable."

In general, people are petrified of saying, "You know, my worst fear is that I am stupid, incompetent and unlovable." People are understandably ashamed to admit their own shame!

Ever try to come up with a solution to a problem you were ashamed to admit you have? Not easy, is it? In fact, it is impossible. You can't solve a problem by shaming it and you can't come up with a solution to something you are ashamed of.

To move towards happiness, people must turn both sets of perceptions as "acceptable." This makes the work of recognizing there perceptions are false much easier. It might sound something like this:

"I accept the perception I have of myself which is fat, lazy, stupid, unlovable, inferior, etc. I accept that it is a perception. Just a perception. I do not fear it, I do not shame it, I am not embarassed by it."

If I don't accept myself, my flaws, my fears, my weaknesses, I will not be able to accept all within me that is beautiful, graceful, creative, kind and loving.

ONE FINAL NOTE:The way I view myself will continually taint the way I view others and the world. And without self-acceptance, I will not see how my actions influence the behaviors of others.

Hence, I will continually blame others. And I will continue to use denial, shame, guilt, and "I'm always right," thinking. I will continue to create assumptions and false perceptions of my co-workers, my husband, my wife, my children, my friends, my bosses. They will seem like absolute truths to me, but in reality they are not.

My dreams and visions will be more difficult to attain. And my demons and addictions will be more difficult to give up.

David Lim (MBA, MSW), Coach, Therapist
My Profile, Coaching Website

[David Lim]

Absolutely!!! It's the journey. Going for it regardless of how we feel about ourselves at the time is the most important element of growth and change.
And it all starts with "insight."

David Lim

[David Dusseau]

One of the great thing about the pursuit of happiness is that the journey is the most rewarding part. The key is to go for it regardless of how we feel about ourselves at the time. Do something. Anything. Right ?

[David Dusseau]

Great article David . Thanks for the post