Change: Pushed Towards Change or Nurtured Towards Change?

[David Lim]

Which works best? A boss, manager, supervisor or even a coach - who pushes, makes you feel uncomfortable, yells at you ... OR the boss, manager, supervisor who is patient, calm, creates a comfortable, trusting, and safe relationship?

In college basketball, Coach Bob Knight was often criticized for his wildly inappropriate, boorish behavior. Yet, based on results, it seemed to work. Coach Knight won three national championships, very earnly on in his career. He coached a US team to an Olympic Gold in 1984, and his teams won countless conference championships. His teams always graduated at a rate among the highest in the country. In fact, his players graduated at a higher rate then regular students. Coach Knight also contributed his own resources to the improvement of education at Indiana University.

Then there is John Wooden, another college basketball coaching great. His approach: Calm. He listened, created a respectful and trusting space. You still had to do things his way. But seldom did he yell or lose his temper. He did not berate his players. His teams won 88 games in a row and 10 straight championships. And his players graduated at high rates.

From psychology, there are decades of research and evidence that says the most important determinant of change is the relationsthe client and helping professional (therapist, doctor, teacher, coach, psychiatrist).

In other words, if a client feels the professional listens to, understood, and respected ... the more likely the cient will feel safer and more respected. Then the more likely the client will respect the relationship, respect the help professional ... and thus, respect the change look

What about pushing a client, using "tough love?" If a coach, help professional, therapist, is going to help a client make long lasting change, then the basic relationship space of trust and respect has to be created and cultivated. However, stretching a client to do something that he or she is not comfortable doing is ultimately the bottom line of change. And at times this CALLS for a more direct, strict, "tougher love," approach.

BUT in the long run, lasting change and lasting results comes from the relationship between help professional, client or customer.

CLOSING NOTES: Coach Wooden was able to sustain longer term success. In his first few years, his teams struggled. In fact, Coach Knight's first few years were filled with amazing success. But in the long run, Wooden had the most consistent long-term success in the history of College basketball. Meanwhile, Coach Knight's team backslid towards mediocrity.

Think about your experiences. Maybe there was a parent, coach, mentor, or teacher that you look back on as "influential." Someone you respected, trusted, admired. Someone who motivated you to perform at peak levels or at higher levels. Maybe that person did set some hard lines once in awhile. Maybe he or she asked you to stretch out of your comfort zone, to work harder, practice harder, etc. But instead of resenting that "pushiness," you stayed with it because a respectful, trusting relationship had already been established.

One dimensional coaching - constant pressure, constant berating, constant cajoling - can produce some wonderful results in the short run. But in the long haul, it may be self-defeating.

David Lim (MBA, MSW), Coach, Therapist
My Profile, Coaching Website, Biznik Blogs

[Russell Cox]

For me, I would title this article "Pushed Towards Change or Nurtured Towards Growth."

My experience as an entrepreneurial coach is that you can push or force a client to change, but those changes will not likely be permanent nor will they necessarily represent positive growth.

While, on the other hand, if you provide positive, nurturing support the client will change and those changes will almost always be positive and permanent.

Good work, thanks,
Russell Cox - Entrepreneurial Coach
My Profile - My Coaching - My Programs

[Nicole Gruendl]

David; I'm glad you touched this subject for the coaching that I provide is Ontological coaching, coaching from your being. Many people perceive coaching as being told what to do, how to do and getting it done. Instead of looking at ways on how to create their greatness, many do not know how, hence the reason why they turn to us, and how they often tend to "get in their own way" without realizing it. STUFF from the past inhibits our growth. People want change and we are here to provide it for them. But not with the firm push or demands, but with the kindness and patience to support them in developing and creating a fulfilling and more powerful life and ways of being.

[Bruce Leonard]

thanks David another great posting. I have experienced both sides of that coin push or support. depending on the character and personality is what i feel determines what will be effective. Time and generous listening are the key. Thanks for your insight and hard work.

[David Dusseau]

Thanks David. The point I think is for the client to get clear on what has worked for them in the past and what has not. Our coaching helps a person decide that before we get into a plan. Identifying the right kind of coaching helps speed the process and achieve the results. Thanks for the article

David